I haven’t stayed up this late in months. I have to work in the morning. My mind is racing though, I can’t seem to stop.
Anonymous asked: what's on your mind lately?
I’ve been thinking a lot about death and dying lately. Not in a suicidal way at all but more about the inevitability of it all and how people will live their entire lives towards this notion or idea of an afterlife with no guarantee of what will happen once they do die. I’ve been thinking a lot about my old friends, where they are in their lives right now and where I am in mine. I’ve been thinking that my life is like a movie sometimes, where some shit will happen or I’ll see something or hear someone say something that just baffles me and I think, “My life would be an awesome movie.” I’ve been thinking that the conflicting emotions I’ve been feeling about myself are only getting more extreme. For example, I love myself. I think I’m pretty fucking amazing, and if you don’t then that’s perfectly fine, it won’t change how I feel. Other days I think I’m not so great but really, at the end of the day, I feel special. I feel like I was meant to do great things, more so than most people. And in thinking that, I feel bad, I don’t want to feel like I’m “better” than other people, but I do feel more capable. And then it pisses me off because I look at where I am in my life and realize I have nothing to justify those thoughts. I love and loathe myself simultaneously. It is exhausting. I’ve been thinking that I need to start taking a more proactive interest in my future, trying to make plans and settle or something but those things scare me right now. As often as shit has just been flipped upside down in my life I have developed the tendency to take things a day at a time. Maybe I should start thinking more about where I’d like to be and what I would like to have accomplished before I turn 23.
I think about a lot of shit.